Oh my - a post that rambles and doesn't make sense, even to me.

I am so bone-deep tired. Of many things. But mostly of upheaval and chaos in my family.  You may know a bit, from following me on Twitter.  I need to get some things off my chest - today was a rough day.

Katy has been sick all week. She's got the crud Erin had last week (cough, fever, snot.)  We've had such a string of good days - over a week and a half, that I guess I've gotten a little spoiled.  Today was rough from the beginning.

We're seeing a family counselor, trying to understand what is going on. After meeting with us on Tuesday, she feels a lot of it is rooted in the girls (Katy specifically) not getting enough attention.  I agree, to a point. I feel most days, I do a pretty good job of giving them all sorts of attention (mostly good!)  The slacker, to me, is my husband. He's big into "Second Life" and it pretty much takes over real life sometimes. He's gotten better in recent weeks, but still doesn't put much effort into our family life.

Anyway, about today.  After school, we came home and the girls relaxed for a bit.  I planned a trip to Walmart and Sam's to get a new mower and a few other items.  We grabbed some dinner (ooo, yummy chicken from Wally-world!) By the time we got to Sam's, Katy was pushing buttons. I tried to stay strong, but caved to her promises to do better.  I got her a dang slushie (and I shouldn't have! #Momfail!) and we came home. The picking, pestering, and all out P.I.T.A. behavior continued off and on ALL. EVENING. LONG. It culminated in a yelling match when she refused to go to bed (after being allowed to stay up late.)

I am struggling. My daughter at different moments this evening, was sweet, kind, loving, and generous with her sister. Then, in the blink of an eye, she was angry, mean, and hateful. Katy got all kinds of good, positive attention tonight - snuggles, tickles, and game playing on my bed. I don't understand what is going on! And I'm ashamed to say, I'm having a hard time liking my kid right now. Seeing her hurt her sister just tears me up inside. I feel like I'm failing them both - Katy by not knowing what she needs, and Erin by not "protecting" her from her sister's meanness. 

Don't misunderstand me - I adore my kids! I love them so much, it makes feeling like a failure that much harder to deal with. They are just so amazing to me - I can't imagine my world without them in it.  But at the same time, I'm wondering how to get through the next hour, day, weekend, week without loosing my mind.

ps. If you've had any experiences with kids who react adversely to medications (with changes in mood and behavior) please get in touch with me.  I'm convinced that may be part of our current issues. We've dealt with Claritin and Zyrtec (2 weeks ago) and Delsym (currently.) You can find me on Twitter, I'm @shrinkingbeth.